#NoSleepTonight: 23 Things Only People With Insomnia Will Understand


Not being able to fall asleep at night when you know you have to be up at the crack of dawn is one of the worst feelings in the world (no, that is not an exaggeration). It’s frustrating, since it’s basically out of your control because you know that if you could be sleeping, you would be.

Life would be a whole lot simpler if our brains came equipped with an on/off switch, wouldn’t it? For some reason, when the clock strikes 12, every decision you have ever made in your life pops into your head.

Instead of sleeping, you filter through these thoughts and memories, and before you know it, it’s 4 am and you’ve accepted another sleepless night.

Well, that’s not the worst of it. Here are more of the struggles insomniacs face on the reg:

1. Never being able to fall asleep when you want to


If I fall asleep by 10:30, I can get a full nine hours of sleep! Chances of that actually happening? Slim to none.

2. If you are lucky enough to actually fall asleep, you can’t stay asleep


You may get a good three-hour stretch once you actually fall asleep, but the next thing you know, it’s 4 am and you’re wide awake, ready for another lethargic day at the office.

3. Feeling tired no matter how long you actually slept


Do people ask you if you have chronic fatigue? Can you even remember the last time you got an actual good night’s sleep?

4. Waking up before the alarm clock and never falling back asleep


You think you finally succeeded in getting a full night’s sleep because you have woken up feeling somewhat refreshed. Well, that’s before you check the time on your phone, which regretfully tells you it’s 6:08 am. Back to bed? Yeah, good luck with that.

5.  You are all too familiar with Unisom, Advil PM and Ambien


You have tried every pill out there. Advil PM gives you bad dreams, Ambien makes you hallucinate and Unisom only works if you get nine or more hours of sleep.

If you plan on taking any kind of sleeping aide, you better make sure you have ample time to rest, or you risk spending the next day in a groggy fog.

6. WTF is a nap?


No! You can’t take a nap because you will never be able to fall asleep come the evening. If you even sleep for 15 minutes during the day, you risk ruining your future sleep. I mean, this is just science!

7. Someone in your life has told you to stop hanging out in your bed


After a long day at the office, the only thing you want to do is crawl back into your sacred resting place. But, as everyone will tell you, the more time you spend in your bed (when not trying to sleep), the more you trick your body into staying awake.

8. Your bedroom must be completely pitch black at night


The only way you can even attempt to sleep is in total darkness.

9. Despite being told not to watch TV before bed, that’s a sacrifice you’re just not willing to make


I would read a book if I weren’t too tired from reading Excel spreadsheets all day. The only thing I want to do before bed is spoon Netflix and watch marathons of a television show I’ve already seen three times.

10. You are either irritable in the morning or tired; there is no in between


You’re never in a good mood in the morning, and honestly, why would you be? You had a sh*tty night’s sleep and the last thing you want to be doing is heading into an office. No one has ever had a productive day that began with waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

11. Anything and everything will wake you up


Your radiator starts acting up? Bam, you’re awake. A car alarm goes off 20 blocks from your apartment? Doesn’t matter, you’re awake. Knock your laptop off your bed? You’re most definitely awake.

12. You spend ample amounts of time, lying in silence and staring at the ceiling


You try to resist the urge to watch television before bed, but this plan doesn’t really seem to be working, either. You lie and lie while drowning yourself in your own thoughts, wishing there were someway you could actually fall asleep.

13. You can’t drink coffee after 12 pm


I know I am. Actually, you probably should just give up on caffeine altogether. There’s no way these stimulants can be good for someone with sleeping issues.

14. You try to sedate yourself with whatever means necessary


Whether it’s weed or wine, you have no shame trying any method to put you to sleep. In college, you probably didn’t notice how bad your insomnia was, since you were likely going out most nights, getting drunk and thus, sleeping through the night.

Now, the struggle is real and you feel every ounce of pain.

15. You want to scream at people who simply tell you to reduce your stress


“Oh, well thank you for your wise words. I couldn’t have come up on that one on my own. Please tell me how easy that is for you to do that. No, go on, I’m listening…”

16. You have trouble finding the perfect sleeping position


Nothing is comfortable because nothing is putting you to sleep. You try to arrange yourself perfectly with your pillows, but alas, that has also failed you. Try sleeping on your stomach and see how that works out.

17. Thinking you’ll actually get up extra early for the gym


HA! Yeah right. I don’t even know why you would think this was a possibility for you. Chances are you tossed and turned all night and as soon as your alarm went off around 5:30 am, you knew there was only one option: the snooze button.

18. Calculating the hours of sleep you’ll get if you fall asleep RIGHT NOW


You know this never works well, but for some reason, we do it anyway.

19. You’ve basically convinced yourself that you don’t even need sleep


Maybe I wasn’t made to sleep. I mean, that’s basically what my body has been telling me. Maybe I should accept the fact that I will never endure a full night’s sleep and just pursue the life of a vampire.

20. “I’ll wake up in 10 more minutes…”


No you won’t. You’ll wake up in 20 and you’ll be late for work. Five minutes is the max you can allow yourself before you completely disappear into the blanket abyss.

21. When your friends can’t get in touch with you before 1 pm, they assume you’re dead


Your friends all know you as the girl they can call at 9 am to vent about their antics from the previous night. You’re always the first awake so this should come as no surprise.

But there will be that one day you actually are able to sleep past 10 am, sending your friends into a panic.

22. Am I hungry or just tired?


Who cares, Seamless is available 24/7. Just say yes to your cravings.

23. Finally thinking you could fall asleep but you have to pee


This is the absolutely, positively, the worst feeling ever.

Top Photo Credit: Shutterstock

#NoSleepTonight: 23 Things Only People With Insomnia Will Understand

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Kanye West Probably Went On A Rant At His Own Wedding That Sounded Like This (Video)

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It’s no secret that Kanye West loves hearing his own voice. In fact, I’m not sure there’s anything about Kanye West that Kanye West doesn’t love. That’s just the kind of guy he is.

According to various media reports, Kanye West also loves Kim Kardashian, which I assume is why the duo decided to get married in Italy a few weeks ago.

While there are no shortage of photos from the festivities (including  my personal favorite: Jaden Smith dressed as albino Batman), the only people who actually saw the ceremony were the ones who were rich enough to get invited.

Parody Pie tried to envision what the duo’s wedding vows might have sounded like, and while I can’t verify the authenticity of the words exchanged, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Kanye delivered a seemingly endless diatribe before finally saying “I Do.” I honestly wouldn’t want it any other way.

Also, if the guy in this video ends up playing Kanye in another parody, he should probably try to figure out how to incorporate the word “fam” a few more times. This video was kind of lacking in that respect.

Kanye West Probably Went On A Rant At His Own Wedding That Sounded Like This (Video)

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Mike Tyson Didn’t Understand The Ending Of The ‘Game Of Thrones’ Finale

mike tyson -elite daily

People have accused Mike Tyson of a lot of things, but being bright is not one of those things. Tyson went on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” and proved exactly why he should stick to beating people to a bloody pulp and stop trying to be a public figure or an actor or whatever it is he’s trying to do.

Kimmel asked Tyson about the “Game of Thrones” finale, and Tyson didn’t seem to understand it at all. He said that he didn’t feel as if anything had happened in the end of the episode, which, of course, is completely untrue. It was the most jam-packed final 15 minutes of a TV show I have ever seen.

What’s more, Tyson didn’t realize that there were going to be any more episodes of “GoT.” I guess that explains why he was so disappointed by the ending, but, come on, have some f*cking awareness.

But, I guess I can’t be too hard on the guy. I mean; he made a living getting punched in the head repeatedly. I just wish he would stick to doing that.

Mike Tyson Didn’t Understand The Ending Of The ‘Game Of Thrones’ Finale

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New York Legislators And Gov. Cuomo Come To Terms To Legalize Medical Marijuana

Annual Columbus Day Parade Marches Down New york's Fifth Avenue

New York legislators have reached an agreement on an experimental program providing medical marijuana to patients with an array of serious illnesses.

According to The New York Times, the deal comes after days of arguing between lawmakers and Governor Andrew Cuomo, who originally wanted a much more limited program that only allowed the most desperate patients on the verge of death to be permitted marijuana.

That proposal was deemed too unfair because it would deny weed to thousands of people with torturously painful ailments, but Cuomo wouldn’t settle unless legislators complied with his demand to prohibit the activity of actually smoking weed.

Patients will only be able eat, drink or inhale cannabis through a vaporizer. Cuomo can also suspend the program at any time.

He said in a conference,

Medical marijuana has the potential to do a lot of good for a lot of people. Some of these cases are some of the most heart-wrenching you’ve ever heard, dealing with children.

Should the pending legislation pass, New York will become the 23 state to legalize medical weed and the second largest to do so, behind California.

The program allows doctors to prescribe weed for epilepsy, multiple scleroses, Lou Gehrig’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, cancer, HIV/AIDS, and various other similarly debilitating conditions, hopefully including post-traumatic stress disorder.

That list will grow as scientific trials continue to prove that more and more diseases are significantly alleviated by weed.

The bill was created largely by Senator Diane Savino, a Staten Island Democrat, and Manhattan Democrat Richard Gottfried, who has campaigned for medical legalization for nearly 20 years.

The State Health Department will have 18 months to create more expansive regulations regarding where medical marijuana can be purchased in addition to age and quantity restrictions.

That second program will last for seven years, and will most likely be reauthorized after New York starts raking in tax revenue that dwarfs Colorado’s marijuana profits.

The start date of the pilot program has yet to be revealed, but the weed will be available at a select few state hospitals.

via New York Times, Photo Credit: Getty Images 

New York Legislators And Gov. Cuomo Come To Terms To Legalize Medical Marijuana

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Robin Van Persie’s 93-Year-Old Grandfather Imitated His Epic Header Goal (Photo)


When Robin van Persie scored a diving header in the Netherlands’ first match of the World Cup, he set off a social media sensation.

The strike that marked the beginning of the end for Spain also marked the first time that World Cup fans truly got a chance to put their Photoshop skills to use, with tweeters reimagining van Persie as everything from Flappy Bird to a WWE wrestler.

@KICKTV flying dutchman

— christian (@christivn_) June 13, 2014

The Dutch striker also inspired the art of #VanPersieing, which imitates the infamous goal. Everyone seems to be getting into it, even van Persie’s own family. Dutch news organization Omroep Brabant tweeted out a picture of Wim Ram, RVP’s 93-year-old grandfather, getting into the act.

Van Persie’s 93-year old grandad goes #Persieing!

— Omroep Brabant (@omroepbrabant) June 18, 2014

Ras even talked to Omroep Braban about the goal:

I thought it was a great landing. A belly landing, is not always fun, huh? I used to do gymnastics and I know what it is like, but in gymnastic those moves are planned and intended.

Ras, of course, said he was happy to see his grandson score, and was likely to be celebrating yesterday when van Persie scored again to help the Dutch to another win.

H/T: Yahoo Sports, Photos Courtesy: Twitter

Robin Van Persie’s 93-Year-Old Grandfather Imitated His Epic Header Goal (Photo)

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Ben & Jerry’s Will Create ‘Saturday Night Live’-Inspired Ice Cream Flavors (Photos)

As if the ice cream wasn’t already delicious enough, Ben & Jerry’s is adding two more equally delicious flavors to the lineup. The best part? They’re both inspired by “Saturday Night Live”!

In honor of the show’s 40th anniversary, the ice cream company will make a flavor called Lazy Sunday, and a flavor called Gilly’s Catastrophic Crunch. Whenever you decide to give Cherry Garcia a break, feel free to venture off to these two new flavors.

According to Huffington Post, Lazy Sunday, which is inspired by the “SNL” skit featuring Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell, consists of vanilla cake batter ice cream, chocolate and yellow cupcake pieces, and chocolate frosting swirls.

In case you’re wondering where that inspiration came from, throughout the skit, Sandberg and Parnell express their deep love for Magnolia cupcakes. Yum!

As for the second flavor, Gilly’s Catastrophic Crunch, you’ll be indulging in chocolate ice cream, sweet cream ice cream, caramel clusters, chocolate fudge, crunchy almonds and marshmallow swirls. If you’re not sold on either of these flavors, something’s clearly wrong with your tastebuds!

Looking to get your hands on a cup of these new flavors? As of June 19, they’ll be available at Ben & Jerry’s ice cream shops throughout the country, as well as Canada.

Lazy Sunday (left) and Gilly’s Catastrophic Crunch (right).

H/T: Huffington Post, Photos Courtesy: Alison Spiegel, Top Photo Courtesy: Ben & Jerry’s

Ben & Jerry’s Will Create ‘Saturday Night Live’-Inspired Ice Cream Flavors (Photos)

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The Amount Of Money Americans Are Spending Every Second Is Scary And This Proves It

Spend, spend, spend — that’s all we do. The real question is: How much are we really spending?! I mean, think about all of the constant splurging going on at any point in time during the year.

Think about the constant need to have the latest gear and devices. Or those expensive dinners and drunk cab rides back to your apartment — all of that stuff adds up.

Even the donut and coffee you grab religiously every morning costs you. Luckily, there’s a website called Retale that’ll give us a detailed rundown of exactly what Americans are spending money on every second. Forget about quarterly reports!

Check out the infographic below for a closer look at America’s spending problem.

H/T: Time, Top Photo Courtesy: Gallery Hip

The Amount Of Money Americans Are Spending Every Second Is Scary And This Proves It

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Of Course, Japan Has Found A Way To Make An Olympic Games Based On Sex Lube (Video)


Mud wrestling is just about how far we’ll go in terms of slippery sport variations in this country.

In Japan, however, lots of people are much more curious as to how the experience of physical activity changes when the players and equipment are completely doused in lube.

The Sex Lube Grand Athlete Meet took place in Tokyo last weekend, and it featured a series of competitive events made all the more fun because the participants were so slippery they could barely stand.

According to the Huffington Post, more than 100 people covered themselves in lube to engage in lubed-up wrestling, relay races, tug of war and even curling.

The event was held at a warehouse designed for wrestling events. It cost the equivalent of about $100 to compete while audience members paid $30 to watch competitors slide and fall all over each other.

Nudity was prohibited, but there didn’t seem to be any restrictions in terms of what participants could wear, as some wore ass-less chaps and just boxer briefs.

As you can see in these clips, the skill level in each event is pretty high so we advise you to start training for the next Lube Olympics on July 5 and 6 at Langunasia resort park.

H/T: Huffington Post

Of Course, Japan Has Found A Way To Make An Olympic Games Based On Sex Lube (Video)

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The CIA Once Made An Bin Laden Action Figure That Became A Demon To Keep Kids From Following Him


When the face of the worst threat to American prosperity was first shown to the public shortly after 9/11, it’s safe to say that Osama bin Laden didn’t really look the part.

Americans associated his beard and clothing with the homeless. For the average Middle Easterner, he just looked like any other guy.

Unconventional methods of propaganda were required to convince the world, mainly children, that this sandal-wearing pile of dirt was truly the devil in disguise.

According to The Washington Post, the CIA chose to accomplish this by crafting an Osama bin Laden action figure in 2005 with a face that easily peeled off to reveal green-eyes, red skin and a pattern of black stripes strikingly similar to Darth Maul of “Star Wars.”

The point was to scare children into believing that bin Laden was indeed a demon who needed to be destroyed in the hopes that, when the kids were scared, the parents would lend their undying support to the war on terror.

The project was code-named Devil Eyes, and the toys were produced by Donald Levine, a former executive at Hasbro who created the G.I. Joe action figures.

Levine had done business in China for nearly 60 years, where the bin Laden toys were secretly developed and distributed.

How many of the figures were made as well as when exactly the project was cut remain unknown, but one source familiar with the manufacturing in China said hundreds of the figures were sent to the Pakistani city of Karachi in 2006.

CIA spokesman Ryan Trapani told the Post, however, that the project was canceled after just a few prototypes were made.

To our knowledge, there were only three individual action figures ever created, and these were merely to show what a final product might look like. After being presented with these examples, the CIA declined to pursue this idea and did not produce or distribute any of these action figures. Furthermore, CIA has no knowledge of these action figures being produced or distributed by others.

Levine passed away from cancer last May but his family confirmed his involvement in the Devil Eyes project with a short statement, saying:

Don Levine was a dedicated Patriot, and proud Korean War veteran. When called on, he was honored to assist our country.

The famed toy maker was said to have approved of the prototypes, one of which is stored at the CIA headquarters today.

CIA considered plan to demonize bin Laden by giving kids these dolls that hid demon face

— Washington Post (@washingtonpost) June 19, 2014

via Washington Post, Photo Courtesy: Twitter

The CIA Once Made An Bin Laden Action Figure That Became A Demon To Keep Kids From Following Him

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Guy Proves You Don’t Need To Say A Word To Pick Up Girls In A Lamborghini (Video)


It’s really easy to watch this video and judge anyone who gets in the car for being shallow, but I’m pretty sure if a random guy pulled up next to me in a Lambo and motioned for me to get in I’d hop in without giving it a second thought.

I know that when you’re a kid you’re taught never to get into a car with strangers, but normally that car is a windowless van or a rusty Oldsmobile driven by a really creepy looking dude.

Once luxury cars come into play, all bets are off. You might end up murdered but at least you got to ride in a Lamborghini.

Also, I have to give credit where credit is due to the girl who took a selfie before hopping inside. That’s a brilliant strategy — you get to brag to all of your friends, and on the off chance the driver happens to be a homicidal maniac, at least the police will know what he looks like.

Guy Proves You Don’t Need To Say A Word To Pick Up Girls In A Lamborghini (Video)

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14 Problems Only People From Manchester Will Understand

Wiki Commons
Wiki Commons

Living in Manchester is both a joyous privilege and a profound hassle. The city has a proud scientific, industrial, political and cultural heritage, but it also has a lamentable inability to get over itself. One minute, Alan Turing’s notebook is selling for over a million dollars in America, the next minute Bez is on the news gurning on about “democraceh,” and everyone south of Stockport is laughing at us. For every pioneering genius, we seem to have two utter plant pots who can’t order a pizza without mentioning the Hacienda.

Yes, Deansgate Locks on a Friday night is a bit terrible and yes, there are probably a few too many shopping trolleys in the ship canal, but there’s some good stuff too, we just don’t celebrate it properly. Manchester is at once cocksure and self conscious, a modern city weighed down by its cultural past.

Suffrage, computing, vegetarianism, atom splitting, code breaking, hot pot, even the Doberman – a dog that wouldn’t exist without the Manchester terrier – there’s something Mancunian about all of them. But when you live in Manchester, you’re too worried about being persistently drizzled on to remember that the place you live is actually ace. And not just because of some bands and a football team.

So in the spirit of old school Mancunian pessimism, here are 14 other reasons you hate to love the place.

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15 Things Only People Who Love Breakfast Foods Understand


1. It’s pretty much guaranteed and not at all a coincidence that your favorite restaurant serves breakfast all day.

2. You don’t really consider yourself a morning person, just a breakfast person.

Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation

3. You always have at least one box of cereal in your apartment at all times, because cereal is an appropriate meal all day, every day.

4. Honestly, you can’t stress the importance of a good cereal enough. Your bowl to plate ratio is like 3:1 solely because of cereal.

5. “Want to go grab brunch?” translates to, “Want to sleep in and then eat pancakes for lunch during a time that everyone considers to be socially acceptable?”

6. You tried to convince your friends that “breakfast for dinner” (or, brinner, as you fondly call it) was a cool, fun way to spice up your life, but they quickly saw through your lie when you decided to “spice up your life” for the fourth day in a row.

Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation

7. No one can flip a pancake like you can. It’s an art that you’ve perfected after years and years of dedication, and maybe one day they’ll get on your level. But today’s not that day.

8. People that skip breakfast on the regular are mysterious monsters that you don’t trust by default. IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY, YOU HEATHENS.

9. On days when you’re running late, the closest you get to skipping the most wonderful meal of the day is grabbing a fruit to go.

10. If by some unforeseeable disaster you have to skip breakfast entirely, your entire day’s ruined, and everyone better get out of your way.

11. You would opt for any variation on a cinnamon roll over every other type of dessert, hands down.

12. When you first watched The Breakfast Club, you were a little disappointed because there was never any actual breakfast being had.

13. Then you were struck with a brief moment of inspiration to start a literal Breakfast Club, but your friends convinced you to put that idea on the backburner. You sulked, ate a bowl of cereal, and felt a little better.

Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation

14. You can dress up plain yogurt like nobody’s business. You first learned how to do this as a matter of survival, because you realized that you couldn’t lead a very healthy life if you started every day off with french toast or bacon, but now it’s a fun game you like to play while perusing the produce section.

15. Staying at a hotel is considerably less exciting if they don’t offer some sort of free breakfast.TC mark

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Orange Is the New Black Is the Only TV Show That Understands Rape

I’ve spent a week dragging my feet on writing about Pennsatucky’s two (two!) heartbreaking rape scenes on Orange Is the New Black. They certainly deserve attention, as does Taryn Manning’s performance. But as I’ve learned while procrastinating a ton in this writing process—wow, do I dislike having to think about...

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